The Necessary Virtue of Not Being an Asshole

I used to work with a guy who would throw temper tantrums in meetings. This happened often, because he found even minor challenges to his opinions enraging—and found controlling his rage so it wouldn’t lead to a tantrum impossible. He’d shout, stamp his feet, storm out of the room, and slam the door behind him.

The thing is, he also told himself—and definitely told the rest of us—that he was principled and moral. “Principle and morality” were primary features of his self-identity.

He’s who came to mind when a friend recently commented that, “Having moral ideals is not an excuse to be an asshole in your day to day life.” 

What struck me about this statement, stated so simply, was not a well-yes-obviously, but precisely the opposite. The fact that the statement needs to be made at all—that there are people who either reject or are ignorant of its truth (and there are a lot of them)—speaks to a deep and tragically common misunderstanding of “principle and morality.”

Principles as the Universal Asshole Excuse

The first is the way that people in fact do use “having principles” as an excuse or justification for being an asshole. Here I’m reminded of a terrific essay by Slavoj Žižek on the idea that “If there is a God, then anything is permitted.” Zizek’s point isn’t really a theological one, but instead about precisely the way we use transcendently weighty signifiers (God, principle) as pretexts to override less weighty ones (the interests of others, for example) while at the same time those weighty signifiers are sufficiently ambiguous in what they signify that we can employ them to justify or excuse any behavior we aim at.

In the context of principled assholes, what happens is the claim to principle lets them set aside the effect their predilection to asshole behavior has on those around them. The principle lets them discount the needs, interests, and comfort of others, because what are needs, interests, and comfort in the face of principle itself? For if principles necessarily erode in the face of causing offense, would they be principles at all? No, clearly not. If you say you have a principled commitment to free speech, but backtrack on that whenever anyone criticizes you, you didn’t have a principle in the first place, but rather a habitual rhetorical flourish.

And yet. The fact that principle must sometimes trump doesn’t mean that pointing to principle is a universal—or universally valid—trump card. Sometimes you’re just being an asshole. And sometimes (often or almost always) your asshole-ness does nothing to ensure the principledness of your principle. It’s instead unnecessary and entirely unrelated bad behavior.

Not Being an Asshole is a Virtue

But we can spin out some other lessons from “Having moral ideals is not an excuse to be an asshole in your day to day life.” If the above is about principles not justifying poor behavior, it’s also true that treating other people well—the opposite of being an asshole—is itself a virtue, regardless of the role principle plays. Put more strongly, committing yourself to not being an asshole is a worthy principle in and of itself.

There are close to zero situations where acting poorly towards others makes the situation better or helps to achieve laudable ends. “I’m going to treat my subordinates like crap and it’ll result in more innovation and productivity” isn’t true, but treating your subordinates like crap does produce a toxic environment that makes the most innovative and productive, who are the most able to leave for less toxic pastures, look to do so. Thus you should aim to avoid being an asshole not only because being an asshole is an unethical way to behave, but because if you actually do have principles and moral ends, you’ll better achieve them by acting appropriately. If your principles tell you otherwise—if they tell you instead that being an asshole is worthwhile, justified, or necessary—then your principles are wrong and you ought to change them.

Not Being an Asshole is a Necessary Virtue

We can go further. Being an asshole isn’t justified. And not being an asshole is a virtue. But it’s also a necessary virtue. By “necessary,” I mean that, without it, you can’t be virtuous, period.

“Being a moral person” isn’t a pick-and-choose process of adhering to a set of distinct rules. Rather, it’s about the kind of person you are. It’s holistic. You can’t say, “I’m moral, except for here,” because that “except” means you’re not moral in any broad sense. “He’s a good person, but he’s mean to waitresses” is incoherent. He’s not a good person.

Further, morality is a holistic ethic grounded in your perspective on your relationship to others. Morality is about how we interact with the people we share the world with. And how we interact with them is governed by how we see them. Are they equal to ourselves in dignity and owed respect? Or are they lesser? Are they worthy of moral concern or not?

To be an asshole is to answer “not.” It is to operate from a perspective of hierarchy, with yourself above others, and with others as your subordinates in dignity. It is to live as if your interests, merely by being your interests, justify overlooking the effects of your actions on others. It is to believe that merely enjoying being an asshole, or feeling like exercising the will to not be an asshole is just too inconvenient, is good enough reason to be an asshole.

And what that says about you is that your principles can only ever be self-serving. Because if you had regard for others, you wouldn’t treat them the way you do. To be an asshole, then, is to demonstrate the impossibility of your holding principles, in any meaningful sense, at all. They’re just, again, rhetorical flourishes enabling you to act as you want, even though what you want is corrupt.

In other words, don’t be an asshole.